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.fll V46 
1809 
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THE 



VILLAGE LAWYER : 



^N TWO ACTS. 




Js performed at the 
NEW-YORK THEATRE. 



NEW-YORK: 



PUBLISHED BY D. LONGWORTH, 

At the Dramatic Repository, 
Shukspeare- Gallery. 

1809; 






DRAMATIS PERSON^:. 



Scout, the village lawyer, 
SfJ^i^^a nch^ld mercer^ 
Charles, son to Snarly 
Justice M\[.\.\n\uSy a justice^ 
Countryman, 
Constables 
Sheepface, a shefiherdf 

Kate, wife to Sheep/ace, 
Mrs. Scout, the lawyer's wife, 

Li 



Mr. Harivood 
Mr. West^ 
Mr. Lindsley^'^ 
Mr Shafiter 
Mr, Chamben 

Mr. Tnvaits 

Miss White 
Mm, Oldmixon 






t3tP 



THE 



VILLAGE LAWYER. 



A C T I. 

<fiCEN£ I — a rural fir osfiectf 
enter scout and mrs, scour. 

Scout, Nay, nay good wife not so loud, or I van- 
ish. Five and twenty years have I exposed my or- 
gans of heating (ay, and thoup:h I say it, without 
whining too) to the encounter of the toughest lungs 
in Westminster hall, with no worse effect as yet, 
than a moderate deafness of the left ear ; and a 
whizzing from time to time in the right, but that 
dear lovely, indefatigable tonp:ue of thine, so far 
outdins the bar itself, that though a lawyer 

Mrs. S A lawyer ! why in that trim you look 
more like a client, than a lawyer, and no one. to see 
you in such a dress, would imagine you had ever 
carried on a suit, in any one's name but your own. 
Out upon you, you are a disgrace to the profes- 
sion, and had you a grain of spirit 

Scout Spirit ! oh, there at least you wrong: tne, 
and I defy any practitioner of twice my standing to 



VILLAGE IJnon. 



produce more instances of spirit, than I have ; who 
exposes himself to the displeasure of the judges ; 
or the censure of the courts. Show me the man 
that sets the pedantic regulations of common prac- 
tice more at defiance than I have done ; hav'n't I 
been oblisjed to quit the London courts only for dis- 
playing too much spirit on a certain occasion I 

Mrs. S. Very fine truly ! and do you boast of 
your blunders, and make a merit of your disgrace ? 
ScouL This accident to be sure forces me to try 
my talents in the obscurity of rural practice ; and 
yet since our removal to this village, though next 
door to justice Mittimus, the best accustomer' ma- 
gistrate in the whole country, no favorable opportu- 
nity has offered ; not a hare has been snared ; or a 
head broke, or (what is stranger still) a single bas- 
tard born, though we have been here a whole fort- 
night, nay the very cattle keep out of pound, to spite 
me. But come have a little patience, times will 
mend. 

Mi's. S. And in the mean time, your wife is to 
starve, and your daughter to lose the opportunity 
of setthng herself in the world, by a match with 
one or other of the young men, who court her, and 
whom the poverty of your appearance frighten 
awyy. 

Scout. Why to say the truth there is nothing in 
my dress that can bring either lov^'>'s to my dauirh- 
ter, or clients to myself Mankind is governed by 
show, and the surest way to obtain the countenance 
of the vvQvld is never to appear to want it. Could 
I but one e put on the appearance of business, the 
rea'itv perhaps would soon follow, let me see— % 
couKlr/t T — ves I have it — 1*1! cro, and purchase 
me a handsome suit of clothes immediately. 



Aat I] LAWYER 



Mrs. S. A handsome suit of clothes ! what, with- 
out a farthing in your pocket ? 

Scout. Why not ? — in London all your handsome 
suits are purchased the same way. What color 
shall I clioose ? bats-wing — or 

3Irs. S. Oh no matter for the color if you can 
find any one kind enough to trust you with the 
clothes. 

Scout, Then to lose no time, I'll step over the 
Way to the rich drapers, my neighbor Snarl's. 

Mrs. S. To neighbor Snarl's ! have a caie what 
you do there. You know his son Charles is in love 
with our Harriet, and would have married her be- 
fore now, but for fear of his father ; I would not 
for the world you should do any thing to overthrow 
my daughter's hopes. 

Scout. Never fear, step in and fetch my liat and 
gown. \^exit mrs. S. 

I have just lime to slip it on ; it will give me a 
more creditable appearance before old Snarl, and 
these rags of mine into the bargain. 

alter mrs, scout, ivith goiun and hat. 

Ay, this will do. How many sleek, spruce, de- 
mure looking gowRs ;»rp. there in the world, as well 
as this, good for nothing else, but covering thir.s^s 
not fit to be seen. ^exeunt 

scene 11 — Snarl's shofu day -book ^fien and ink-, cloth 
on counter. 

enter snarl and chablfs. 

Snarl, Well son, I ordered you to inquire me 
A 2 



^ VILLAGE l^non. 



out a shepherd instead of that dog Sheepface ; didn*t 
I? 

Char. Why surely father, you have no fault to 
find with Sheepface. 

Snarl. No; only that he is a thief I an arrant 
thief ! 

C/iar. I always found Sheepface a very faithful 
servant. 

Snarl. I'o you he may, but not to me ; he has. 
been but a month in my service, and there are four-^ 
teen of my wethers missmg, now it is impossible 
so great a number in so short a time could die of 
the rot, as he says. 

Char. You dont consider what a havoc a disor-» 
der sometimes m-tkcs. 

Snarl. \\ iih the help of a doctor, I grant you, 
but my sheep had no doctor, poor things ! yet they 
could not have made more haste if they had beeu 
pri scribed for, by the whole faculty. As for that 
dog, Sheepface, I have suspected him for some- 
time ; but last night I caught him in the fact, and. 
this morning I mean to bring him before justice 
Mittimus ; but first of all, I must know exactly, 
whatV my loss. Reach me the account of the 
flock. (siCs doivnj And if neighbor Gripe, the con*^ 
stable mrjuires for me, send him this way. 

enter sheepface. 

Char, (aside to Sheepface) Sheepface, all's out I 

find, father's confoundedly angry, try what you can 

do to soften it, but beware of speaking, [exit 

Snarl, l^et me see ; — "bought of farmer Clod." 

Sheefi. Save your good worship, sweet master 

Snarl. 



Mt /} LAWYER 



Snarl. How, villain, have you liic impudence to 
appear m my sight, after the tricks you have 
played me. 

i>/ice/i. v)nly to tell your sweet worship, that 
neighbor Gripe has been talking to me about sheep- 
stealing, and justice Mittimus, and your worship, 
and a power of thin>^s, and so I said I wouldn*t 
make a secret of it to my good master's worship 
any longer. 

Smn'L Your affected innocence, shan't save you, 
you rascal ; didn't 1 catch you last night; killing one 
of the fattest of my wi^thers. 

S/iee/i. Only to keep it from dying. 

Snarl. Kill it, to keep it from dying t 

S/iee/i. Of the rot, an' please your worship. It's 
a secret I learnt frotn the doctor in our town. He 
cured most of his patients the same way. 

Snar^l. The doctor, rascal ! the doctor has a li- 
cense to kill from the college Such sheep as 

mine too — there was not in all England, such an^ 
other 'ireed for Spanish wool. 

S/iee/i Be satisfied your worship with the blows 
you gave me, and let's make up matters, if it's your 
worship's sweet will and pleasure. 

SnarL My will and pleasure is to hang you, ras- 
cal, to hang you. 

Sheefi. Consider, your worship,. I v/as marri.".d 
but yesterday,, leave me to myself a week or two, 
and who knows but I may save you the trouble. 

Snarl. No, rascal, the gallows is the quickest 
remedy of the two, and every bit as sure as t'other. 

Sheefi Heaven give you good luck of it then, 
if it must he so, sweet master Snarl, I must 
go look for a lawyer, I see, or might will overcom*; 



VILLAGE iA 






right Oh deaf, iiu)t an hom^st man biiouid be 
trtaled so, only ior killing a lew sheep to bave 'em 
from dying. L^'^f^ 
S/iarl. (sitting donvn) A dog I but he sh..ih pay 
for this. Let me set— -i wo, and two are four ■ 

enter scouT. 

Scout, The coast is clear at last— now or never. 

Snarl And sevtn— no, nine 

Scout, (aside) \onder»s a piece of cloth novr 
would buit mt to a hair Give me leave sir, to — . 

Snarl. VV ho's there ? Gripe 1 suppose. Wait a 
xnomtn', honest Cinpe. 

Scout. I am lawyer Scout, your neighbor 1 

am come to 

Snarl. 1 am lawyer Scout, my neighbor's very 
liumble servant; but he and I have no business to^ 
gether, that I know of, — " carried over' — — 

Scout. You'll have another story to tell to-mor- 
row, or I'm much mistaken (aside) — I find sir, 
vipon looking over my late father s papers, an ac- 
count of a debt left unpaid, and 1 am come 

Snarl. It's no business of mine ; I ovve no man 
a fyrthing. 

Scouf. I wish I could say as much for myself; 
but find that my lather was indebted to yours in a 
sma'l balance of 50 pounds, and as a man of honor 
I am rome home to p;.y it you. 

Sna^l (rising) My dear sir, ten thousand pardor-.s, 
ibr my forgetfulness. I recollect you perfectly 
Kow. Yts, you lived in the next village, and you 
and I wu-e sworn comrades formerly. Pray sir, be 
3tat'd, (har.dsa chair) 

Scout, Dear sir, if those who are indebted to mc. 



Act /] LAWYER 



had a little of my punctuality, i shoull be a richer 
man than I am, but to have my name in any one*s 
book is a thing I can't bear. 

Snarl, And yet the generality of people bear it 
very patiently. 

Scout. I am upon thorns in a manner, while I 
©we one a farthing, and for that reason I am come 
to know when you'll be at leisure to receive the 
money. 

Snarl. No time like the present. 

Scout. True, I have it at home, ready told ; but 
as I have the management of my falhc's effects, 
only as guardian for my daughter Harriet- it's 
proper that the other guardians should be by at 
the payment. 

Snarl. Very true, sir, then what do you think of 
to-morrow at three o'clock ? 

Scout. With all my heart, but I have interrupt- 
ed you perhaps, f rises J Why sir, you do more 
business than all the shopkeepers in this part of 
the country put <^ogether. 

Sari. I can't complain. 

Scout. No, you have such a way with you, that 
those who buy once, can't for the blood of them, 
help coming to you again. A pretty bit of cloth 
this 

Snort. Very pretty. 

Scour One meets in your shop, such a gene- 
roS'ty of treatment, a politeness of behavior, that 
makes it pleasanter to pay money to you th ^n to 
peceive it elsewhere. The wool seems tolerably 
fine. 

Sr arl. Right Spanish wool every hair of it, sir. 

Scout. So I thought ; now we talk of Spanish 



10 VILLAGE IMan, 






wool, ir I am not mistaken, mr. Snarl, you and I 
went to school together formerly. 

^vurl What, to old Iron fist ? 

Scoui The same ; you were a very handsome 
youth 1 remember. 

!S7ia' I. So my nnother always said. 

Scout. Egad, for old acqu.'intance sake, yovi 
and ' must eat a bit of dinner together to-day. I. 
have a fine goose at homv, that a client sent me 
from Norfolk. 

Sna^'l Goose ! that's my favorite dish. 

Scout. And my wife shall dress it by a family; 
receipt. lt*s a treasure, that receipt's a perfect 
treisure. Her uncle, the late alderman Dump* 
lin^, p.ssed through the whole circle of corpora- 
tion honors, and died mayor by virtue of that re- 
ceipt 

Su'^rl. Ay ! ay ! 

Scout. Then mrs. Scout will be happy to see 
you now I think on't, I promised her, that you 
should have my custom for the future, and to, 
make a beginning I dont care if I have the pattern 
of a suit of clothe>- from you now. 

t- art Very happy to accommodate you, sirj 
what color would you choose ? 

Sr.j^t. Color I why here's a pretty one enough 
to my mind, sir. 

5 r/. Very pretty indeed, sir ; it's an iron grey. 
Shall I cut off the quantity you want, to have it 
ready ? 

S(' lit. To have it ready ; no, mr. Snarl, pay as 
you go that's my rule ; pay as you go. 

S'arl. Ecod an excellent rule it is. 

^out. 1^0 you remember, mr. Snarl, the eveU' 



Act f\ LAWYER U 

— ^ 

feg we were together at the goose and gridiron ? 

Snarl. What, the evening I so roasted our cu- 
rate. » 

Scout. The same ; you were very severe on 
him. Yoii had a world of wit. — Pray what must 
I pay you a yard for this cloth ? 

Sjiarl. Why, sir, another should pay me nine- 
teen and sixpence , but come* you shall have it at 
nineteen shillings— now I think of it. Here's 
your quantity ready cut. 

Scout. Ready cut — that's lucky indeed, (snatch* 
es ufi the cloth) 

Snarl. Stop a moment, till I measure it before 
you. 

Scout. O fie ! do you think 1 have any doubt of 
you. 

Snarl. But the price 

Scout. Poo, I never haggle with a friend ; I 
leave all that to you. Good day. ^ 

Snarl. Let my shopman carry it over, and blp^ 
back— — 

Scout. No, no, dont take him from business. 
It is but a step you know, and I'd carry it twice 
as far to oblige you Compliments to mrs. Snarl ; 
"—good bye to you, good bye. \_exit. Snarl ////Oii;s 

SCENE III— Scout's house, 
enter kate and shelpface. 

Kate, Lookye, if you want a lawyer to bring 
you out of a scrape, my master's the man for your 
money. 

Sheefi, I know it, he stood my friend once when 
brother and I were put to trouble ; — would you 
t»eUeve it only for mending the comple,%iojn ef A 



is VILLAGE iy4ndn, 

bald-faced horse — but 1 have such a treacherous 
xnemory, I dont know how it came about, but 
some how or other I forgot to pay him. 

Kate. He'll not think of that perhaps : at any 
rate take care not to tell him who the plaintiff is ; 
for I know he would not on any account be con- 
cerned against mr. Snarl. 

Sherp. I'll only tell him of my master, without 

mentioning any name ; and he'll think T n)eanthe 

farmer I lived with, when I courted you first. 

Kate. Do so, here he comes. lexis] 

enter scout. 
Scout, Sure I should know tlvat face, T think- 
yes, the same. Harkye, didn't 1 save you an< 
your brother from being hanged some time sinct 
at York. 

Shee/i. Yes, your worship, yes. 
Scout. By the same token, one of you forgot to 
HM. nie 
l/fhee/i. Yes, that was brother. 

Scout. The other was sick at the tibial, anSl 
died sometime after in prison. 
Sheefi That was not I. 
Scout. So I see. 

Sh^e/i. For all that I was sicker nor brother 1 
and so as I was saying, I am come to beg of your 
worship to speak for me before the justice against 
his worship my n^aster 

Scout. What the great farmer in the neighbor- 
hood ? 

S/ieefi. He lives in the neighborhood sure 
enough, and your worship shall be paid to your 
heart's content. 

Scout. Let me hear your casej and be sure you 
telUt without disguise. 



Acl r\ LAWYER 13 

Sheefi. You must know then, an' please your 
■Worship, my master gives me but iittle wages, 
very small wages, indeed ; and so to make amends 
for that without doing him any damage, 1 thought 
as how I d best dd a little business on my account 
with a worthy neighbor, a butcher by trade. 

Scout. And what kind of business do you carry 
on ? ^^ 

Sheep. Under favor, I hinder sheep from dying 
of the rot. 

Scout. There's no harm in that ; how do yoa 

contrive ■ 

Sheefi. Please your worship, I cut their throats 
before they have time to catch it. 

Scout. A very efiectual remedy truly ; and youi^ 
master perhaps is unreasonable enough to say you 
do so only to sell the carcasses, and keep the money 
to yonjrself? 

Sheefi. Yes, your M'orship, and I can't bear it ouV 
of his head, because last night he saw me— I mean 
*^I — must I tell the truth I 

Scout. Yes, tell the truth here, or how shall wc 
be able to lie to any purpose elsew here. 

Sheep. The truth of the matter then is, that last 
night, alter I was married, havinp^ a little leisure 
time upon my hands, I took a walk as far as our 
pens, and there as I was musing on I dont know 
what ; — out I takes my knife, and so happening by 
mere accident to put it, craving your worship's 
pardon, under the throat of a fat wether, 1 dont 
know how it came about, but it was not long there 
before the wether died all of a sudden as a body may 
say. 

Scout. And there was somebody looking on, tie 
whole time, cU ! B 



14 VILLAGE [^«ojf. 

Sheep. Yes master, from behind the hedge, and 
so he will have it that fourteen wethers, which I 
sav'd from catching the rot, died all along of me. 
And so as your worship may see, he laid such a 
shower of blows upon me as put the bride out of 
temper the whole night ;. but I hope your worship 
will stand my friend, and not let me lose the fruits 
©f my honest industry all wlonce. 

Scout. I understand you ; %ere are two ways ol 
proceeding in this affair ; the first won't put you t< 
a farthing of expense. 

Sheep. Lei's try that by all means. 

Scout. With all my heart ; you have scrap'c 

up something handsome in the course of your prac- 
tice on your master's shee]). 

Sheep. Heaven knows I have been up late and 
early for it. 

Scout. Your savings are all in hard cash, I sup- 
pose. 

Sheep. Yes, your worship. 

Scout. You must hide the whole sum immediate- 
ly in the safest place you can think of. 

Sheep. That I will, without fail. 

Scout. Your master will be obliged to pay all 
costs and charges. 

Sheep. So he ought ; he can afford it. 

Scout. And without a penny out of your pocket. 

Sheep. Just as I would have it. 

Scout. He*ll be put to the trouble of having you 
hang'd. 

Sheep. Zounds, let us try the other way first. 

Scout. Well then you are to be brought before 
jastice Mittimus. 

--Shtep. So I am told. 



Jet III LAWYER 15 



Scout. Take notice of this. 

S/iee/i. Never fear me. 

Scoia. To every question, ask'd yon, either by 
the court, the plaintiff, lawyer, or myself, make no 
reply but in the Iangua,8;e of your own e^ves when 
they call their lambs ; you can speak that language, 
can't you ? 

Sheefi. Its my mother tongue. 

Scout. The blows you have received on your 
head, have suggested a scheme which assisted by 
Mittimus's credulity may perhaps save you : but I 
expect to be well paid. 

Sheefi^ That you shall as I am an honest man ; 
■good-day your worship. Lord, lord ! what troubles 
we poor folks have to keep our own in this world. 
Your servant your worship ; I shall remember — 
Baa, baa, baa. ^exit 

Scout. So if the contrivance I have thoupjht of to 
elude my neighbor's demand, does not succeed ; 
the money I get from this new client may stop his 
mouth perhaps. exit 

END OF THE FIRST ACT. 



ACT IL 

SCENE I — rural firosfieci. 

enter snakl. 

Snarl. This is a very husv dav with me ; I am 
to receive different sums of monev from mv worthy 
neighbor lawyer Scout and to eat a ?^oose wiih him, 
^ress'd after a receipt of the late worshipful alder- 



16 VILLAGE [Anott^ 

■ y . ' - ' ■ ' . ' ■ ^ 

man Dumpling. Well, I always said the aldermen 
Avere a useful body of men. But suppose I call in 
to see how matters stand, by way of askini^ how he 
does ; here's a savory smell. Egad they have put 
down the goose already. VW go and have a sop in 
the pan. \^exil 



SCENE II — a room in Scout's house, 
enter scout and wife. 

Scout Quick, quick, old Snarl is coming up ; I 
hear him on the stairs. Now mind your cue, wife. 

Mrs. S. Never fear me ; Til be a good nurse, I 
warrant me. 

enter snaul. 

Scout, fin a chair as sick J Wi-f-e here's the 
apo-the-cary. 

Snarl. The apothecary ! 

Scout. He brinies me the cooling mixture. 

Snarl. The cooling mixture. 

Mrs. S. O dear sir, I hope you have brought 
something to give my poor husband a little ease. 
He has been in the condition you see this fortnight 
past. 

S'larl. This fortnight woman, why 

Mrs. S. Yes, this day fortnight, of all the good 
davs in the year, he was taken with a lunacy fit, and 
has not been out of the room since. 

Snarl. Zounds not out of the room ; why he 
came to mv house this morning by the same token 
he bou!):'^' f<^^ii' yards of iron grey cloth of me, and 
1 am come for the money. Good morrow, mr. 
Seoul. 



Act 11} LAWYER i7 



Scoui. Good luorrosv, good mr. Drench, 
Snarl. Mi. Drench 

Mrs. S He takes you for the apothecary sir, 
pray leave the room for heaven's sake, if you can 
give him no rehef. 

Snarl. But patience ; you remember mr. Scout, 

this morning 

Scout. Yes, this morning, I bid my wife lay by 

for you 

Snarl. Ay, I knew he would remember it. 
Scout. 1 bid her lay by for you carefully, a large 

glass full of my 

Snarl. A glass full ! I am come for my money. 
Zounds is that the coin I am to be paid in. 
Mrs. S. Dear sir, retire. 
Snarl. When I am paid, and not before. 
Scout, I beseech you let me have no more of 
these odious pills ; the had like to have made me 
give up the ghost. 

Snarl. I wish they had made you give up my 
cloth. 

Scout, (rising) Wife, see, see, three large buz- 
zing butterflies with amber heads, and chiystal 

wings there they gc— there tally o I hoics, 

hoics, tally o I ho, ho ! 

Snarl, I see none of them. 
Mrs. S But you see he raves. 
Scout. (Jalli^Tg back in choir') Save me good folks 
from the doctor, and a fig for the (iisenst. 

Snarl. O he talks good sense now — r,ow I'll speak 
to him — neighbor Scout. 

Scout (jumping ufi) My client, my lord, sir 
Hugh Witherington ! 

Snarl, Sir Hugh Witherington I 
B 2 



18 VILLAGE [Anon, 

Scout Charges the defendant sir Hugh Mont- 
gomery • 

Snarl. Gomery ! why is it possible I could have 
mistaken another for him. 

Mrs. S. Nay now you have tormented the poor 
man sufficiently, let him have a little rest. 

Snarl Stay^ he looks as if he would speak to me. 

Scout. O dear mr. Snarl. 

StmrL He knows me ; 1 said so. 

Scout. I beg ten thousand pardons. 

Snarl. No apologies — vveli.— — — 

Scout. That since my arrival in this village, I 
haven't been to see you. 

«S>mr/. Not been to see me ! why this very day 
you know 

Scout. Yes, to-day, to make my excuses, I sent 
an attorney of my acquaintance. 

Snarl. An attorney ! eh, shall I never see my 
cloth again ? but it's all a sham, you yourself was 
the very person, by the same token your father owed 
mine fifty pounds : ay, ay, you may siiake your 
head, but I shan't quit the place, without either 
my cloth or my money. 

Scout. This won't do, I find, I must try another 
method, (ofide) Wife, wife, dont you hear them ? 
the thieves are breaking in at the door — but I'll 
bite 'em — this way— here they come — my mus- 
ket — I'll shoot 'em. Stop thief' stop thief I — {col' 
lars Snarl) my musket, my musket ! [^pxit 

Snarl. A thief my musket, ecod, it may be dan- 
gerous, to argue with a madman, and a blunder 
buss. 



Jet 11] LAWYER i$ 

re-enter scou i^ ^vith a bircli broom, ivhich he levels 
at .^iiai i. iv/io su/ifiosing it a mufsket^ scrambles off 
crying out 

O lord I o dear ! 

Scout. Ha, ha, ha ! ht's gone at last. 

Mrs. S. Yes, yes, he's gone. You have no fur- 
ther occasion for me j but stay you liere for fear of 
his return. [exit 

Scout So, I have g^ot a reprieve for some time 
at least; here he comes again: stop thief — stop 
thief — stop thief o it's my new client. 

enter sheepface. 

Shee/i. At your worship's service, justice Mitti- 
mus is ready, and the court will sit immediately 

Scout, Wait till I put on my t2;own, and be sure 
you remember the instructions I t2:ave you 

Sheefi. Never fear, your worship : baa ; practice 
makes perfect, they say. 

Scout This way ; we have no time to lose. 

Sheefi. I have been improving myself this half 
hour past, in our pens, and now lam so fluent in 
talking like a sheep, that I question if his worship, 
and the whole bench together could beat mc at it. 

^exeunt 



SCENE III— /Ae court at the jmticc^s — table-, Jive 
chairs^ clerk, tD'c. discovered. 

MITTIMUS, two JUSTICI-S, and SNARL. 

Mil, Wclljthe Courtis assembled j and the ^v 



20 VILLAGE lAnon. 



ties nu'y appear. \\ here is your lawyer, neigh- 
bor Snarl ? 

Snarl. I am my own la*wyer. 

enter scout, siieepface, and constables. 

Scout, f aside to Sheepface) How, rascal, you 
have imposed upon me. Is that the plaintiff? 

S/iee/f. Yes, that's his worship, my good master. 

Scout, (aside) How shall I get out ot this 
scrape? — ill gooff, it will rouse his suspicions ; 
I'll e'en stay and outface him. 

Snarl, (seeing Scout) Hey-day, who have we 
here ? the very fellow as I live. 

Mt. Neighbor Snarl, you are the- plaintiff be- 
gin— 

Stiarl. Then you must know that this thief 

Mil. Come, come, no abuse 

Snarl, The short and the long of it then is that 
this scoundrel, shepherd of mine that was, has rob- 
bed me of fourteen wethers. 

Scout. That remains to be proved. 

S7iurl. (ande) His voice, by Jupiter. 

Mit . W h a t p roof h a ve y ou ? 

Snarl. Proof— why I — I sold them this morn- 
ing — no 1 dont mean that — I gave him in charge 
four yards — no I dont mean that—fourscore sheep, 
I should say, and there are but threescore and six 
forthcoming. 

Scout. I deny the fact. 

Snarl. Well, if I had not left the other in a lu- 
nacy fit 1 should swear this was the very man. 

Mit, Thiols the very man, without doubt ■■■ 



Jet IT] LAWYER 2! 

but that is not the point at present the fact, 

neit^'r.bor Snarl— prove the fact. 

Snarl. I prove it by n\y oath 1 mean by the 

count of my flock ;— what's become of the four 
yards — fourteen sheep, I should say, that are mis- 
sin i^ ? 

Scout. They nre dead of tlie rot. 

Snarl. Zounds ! lis he himself. 

Mit. Again, why I tell you once more, neigh- 
bor, nobody doubts that. It is asserted that your 
sheep 4kciofthe rot. What do you answer to 
that ^ 

Snarl. I answer that it is a confounded lie, and the 
proof on't is I was hiding behind the hedge, when 
"who should come up but this fellow, and laying hold 
of one ofthe fattest of my wethers sits down be- 
side me, and after cajoling me for awliile about 
Withenngton, Gomery. he makes no more ado, but 
carries off four vards of it. 

Mit. Four yards of your wethers ! 

Snarl. Eh, no — my cloth — I say my cloth—— 
the other 

Mit, What otl.er,- neighbor — what other ? 

Scout. Dear sir, he's mad — r iving mad. 

Mit. 1 fear so — harkye, neighbor Snarl ; not all 
the justices in the county, no nor their clerks either, 
could make any thing of your evidence. You talk 
of fourteen wethers stole from you, and you jumble 
lip wiih that four yards of cloth, •■^nd VVittington, 
and I dont know what. — Slick to your wethers, I 
sav, or I must discharge the prisoner ; — but the 
shortest way is to examine him myself. — Come 
here, my good fellow — hold up your head ; what i^ 
jour name ? 



VILLAGE iAnon, 



Sheep. Baa. 

Snarl. He lies ; his name is Sheepface. 

Mit. Well, Sheepface, or Baa, no matter for the 
name ; tell me, is it true that mr. Snarl gave you 
fourscore sheep in charge ? 

S/iee/i. Baa, 

Mit. How I oh, his fears get the better of him 
perhaps; come, come, dont be alarmed— did mr. 
Snarl catch you at night kilhng one of his weth- 
ers ? 

Shee/i. Baa. 

Mit. Hey-day, what can this mean ? 

Scout. Why, sir, the blows the plaintiff gave the 
poor fellow on his head, have aficcted his brain, 
and put him, as your worship sees, beside himself. 
He*s to be trepan'd as soon as the court breaks up, 
and mr. Mincemeat the surgeon says, it is the 
whole materia medica to a dose of jalap, that he 
never recovers. 

SnarL Oh for the matter of that, it was a dark 
night ; and when ever I strike, I always strike 
home, and when and where I can. 

Scout. There sir, he confesses the fact, a volun- 
tary confession. 

M2t Ay, ay, a voluntary confession ; release the 
prisoner, I find no cause of complaint against him. 

[^exit constables 
Snarl, But I appeal — as to you, mr. Irongrey 
we shall meet, fto Scout) 

Mit» O fie, mr. Saarl, you are much to blame. 
Snarl. To blame, quotha ; one runs off with my 
cloth ; the other cuts the throat of my wethers : one 
pays me with Gomery, and the other with baa ; 



Act II] LAWYER 2J 

yet after all I am to blame. As for you, mr. Jus- 
tice — 1*11 appeal to a higher court ; and that you 
shall find, mr. Wiseacre. lexi( 

Scout, (to Sheepface) Go thank his worship, 
go. 

S/ieefi. Baa, baa. 

Mzt. Enough, enough '. poor fellow, go and be 
trepanned directly ; go. \^exi£ 

Shee/i. Baa. 

Scout. Well, I have brought you off with flying 
colors, you see ; you are a man of your word I 
know ; and I am sure you will pay me generously 
as you have promised me. 

S/iee/i, Baa. 

Scout, Yes, yes ; you played your part very well, 
but that isn't the point now — my fee ; — do you see 
-—my fee. 

Sheefi. Baa. 

Scout. What, am 1 to be outwitted by a walking 
scrubbing post ? a two-legged bellwether ? a 

Sheefi. Baa. 

Scout. So, I am outdone here, I find — ^but come, 
will you assist in bringing about my daughter's 
marriage. If the scheme succeeds, if you ajd 
your wife, my maid Kate, play your parts^Well I 
shall think myself sufficiently paid— if not, I'll 
show you what it is to attempt cheating a lawyer. 
But to your hiding-place, scoundrel, do you hear ? 

Shee/i. Baa, baa. \_exU 

Scout. The devil baa you : but come, his wor- 
ship seems so persuaded of the fellow's dangerous 
situation that it v/ill be no hard matter to persuade 
bim he's at the point of death : but here he comes^ 



VILLAGE [^wo)^ 



and Kate along with him. The work's -begun i 
see ; I must stay and lend a hand. 

enter mittimus and katr. 

Mit. Poor fellow I dead do you say, and so sud- 
denly too ? 

Kate. Yes — ye — es, sir. — Oh, oh 1 o dear, (cry' 
ing) 

Scout. Poor wench I an ugly affair this for 

mr. Snarl. 

Mit. Dont weep so, child ; I'll see justice done 
you. 

Kate. Oh ! my husband ' my poor dear hus- 
band oh, oh, oh oh ! 

Aiit. Nay, be comforted ; consider you were 
married yesterday morning-, and 

Kate. Ay, that's the reason ; had he lived a day 
or two longer it would have been some con-so-la- 
fi-on, oh. oh, oh I 

Mit. The murderer shall be punished ; I have 
.s^iven the necessary orders already, and you shall 
shortly have the comfort of seeing him hanged. 

Scout. Hanged I poor neighbor Snarl ! so valua- 
ble a member of the community too. He'll be a 
public loss, neighbor Mittimus j a public loss ! 

Mit. True, he was a useful man in the country, 
but what can I do ; here's a man murdered i and 
his widow demands justice. 

Scout. But what service would it be to you, Kate, 
to have mr. Snarl hanged — would it not be better 
id 

Kate. Why, sir, I am not revengeful, and if 



M r/] LAWYER 23 

there was any friendly way of making up mailers, 
you know how I love your worship's god-daugh- 
ter. 

Mil. My god-daughter ! what concern has she 
in this affitir ? 

Kate. Why an' please your worship, Charles, 
mr. Snarl's only son is in love with miss Harriet, 
your worship's god-daughter ; but mr. Snarl won't 
consent to the marriage. Now your worship is a 
man of learning, and if you set about it, I am sure 
mii^ht contrive something to please all parties. 

Mii. I have it. We'll hush matters up on con- 
dition that mr. Snarl consents to the match ; but 
neighbor Scout, do you consent ? 

Scout, Why I had no intention of marrying my 
daughter yet ; but to save mr. Snarl from being 
hanged, come, I consent. 

Mit. They are bringing him this way, I see ; 
leave us together. 

Scout. I'll but just fill up the blanks of a ^o/irf, 
which you'll oblige him to sign ; otherwise he 
might retract you know. [^exit Scout and Kate 

enter snarl aiid constables. 

Mit. Well, neighbor Snarl, the poor wretch yo\i 
beat, they say is dead ; and you confessed the fact 
you know. 

Snarl. I did ; a blister on my tongue for it. 

Mit. The law must take its course ; but first let 
me know whether you would rather be hanged, or 
conseut to your son's wedding. 

Snarl. Neither one, nor t'other* 

Mit» Lawyer Scout has a daughter, beautifulf 
C 



M6 VILLAGE lAnom. 

and wtll acconiplishf d, and your son is in love 
with her. 

Snarl. What's that lo me ? 

Mit. Now 'matters might be hush'd up, if yoii 
consent to iheir marna.u,e. 

Snarl. I'll be hanged first. 

MiL Away with him to prison thep. 

Snarl. Hold, hold ! I'll consent. 



enter scour and charles. 



n 



Scout. Here's abend ready for signing, and mr. 
Snarl if any of my family can be of service to you, in 
your present misloi tunc, you may command me. 

Snarl Eh, what do you want another four yards 

of cloth, rascal ? but come, give me this bond.. 

TluM-e. (signs it) 

Mit. Come, Charles, you and I will be witnes- 
ses. — So you have had a fortunate escape, neighbor 
Snarl, 1 wish you joy of your t»ood luck. 

Snarl. Yes, this has been a lucky day for me, 
truly. 

enter two countr'vmex dragging in s^k'e.ttacv.^ 

Cotin Bring him along. 

Sheefi. Mercy, good folks! 

Mit. Whence comes this ghost ? 

Coun. Why, a'nt please your worship, we found 
this fellow hid under a heap of barley in our barn, 
so we brought him before your worship, to make 
him give an account of himself. 

Mit. What's become of the blows your master 
gave vou on the head ? 

S/iec/i, Gone along with his fourteen wethers. 



MtllJ LAWYER 2.t 



S7iarl. What, rascal, you art nol dead then ? 

Sheeji. Baa. 

Snarl Let roe come at him ; I have paid for the 
kilhng, and it is but lair, 1 should ifeve the worth 
of my money; so if I am not allowed to choak 
him i retract the consent 1 gave. 

Scout. With all my heari ; so you may pay the 
penalty of your bonds which is two thousand guin- 
eas. 

Snarl. Two thousand devils I — but come, jo- 
king apart, you'll pay me the fifty pounds your fa- 
ther owed mine ? 

Scout. Yes, when you can produce me his note. 

S?iarl. Mercy upon me ! but then my four yards 
of cloth.. 

Scout. 1*11 wear them at your son's wedding. 

Snarl. Well, at any rate, give me my share of 
the goose. 

Scout. It flew back this morning to Norfolk. 

Snarl. Then this rascal shall pay for all, and 1 d 
begin by haying him hanged. 

C/mr. ris time I own the truth, father ; he has 
done nothing but by my direction, and to supply 
my necessities, therefore suffer me to meet your 
future indulgence by the means of conquering all 
such temptations henceforward. 

Snarl. Hem ' — well, it must be so then, I think ; 
and to prevent any future abuse, V\\ sell oif ai! my 
sheep, and then they'll neither die of the rot, noi- 
shall I need a shepherd. 

Scout. Well, so far have T succeeded fully bolU 
for myself and client ; but a cause in which we are 
all interested remains vet to be determined i whbh 

4 



2S VILLAGE LAWYER [^no». 



we must learn from the decision of this tribunal, 
whether the Village Lawyer is to be struck off the 
roil, or not. 



END OF THE VILLAGE LAWYER. 



^. 



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pH 8.5 



